So life is never what you imagined it would be. If you asked me one year ago what 2010 would be like, I would have never thought it would involve Chris moving to the Caribbean and me moving back home.
Chris was accepted to only two medical schools, Ross University and The Medical School of the Americas (MUA), both of which are in the Caribbean. As much as Chris has tried to convince me on the academic integrity of these schools, I still think that Chris could do much better. "Ross the the #2 school in the Caribbean" "Ross is accredited in all 50 states; MUA in 47" "It doesn't matter what med school you go to; as long as you pass the Board Exams, you can be a doctor anywhere, even if you go to the Carbbean for school." I've heard it all, and I've accepted it. It's Chris's dream to be a doctor, and I don't think Chris would attend a school that would hurt his chanced of becoming one.
As happy as I was for Chris when he got two acceptances, I was so mad/sad/worried about him moving to an island. There would be nothing for me on an island. I wouldn't be able to live with him there. I was so afraid of Chris wanting to break up. It would be so easy for him to want to "set me free" while he was away. I would imagine his speech: "I'm going to be gone for two years and I don't want you sitting at home waiting for me. You should move on with your life. I want you to be free and happy." But I don't think I'm going to have to hear that speech. Chris said that he couldn't make the decision about what school to go alone because this decision was going to affect both our lives, not just his. It made me so happy to hear that. He said that it was our future and our lives and he needed me to tell him what I wanted in the future so he could make the best decision for the both of us.
Chris decided on Ross because it's the better of the two and will provide better opportunities for the future and will open more doors for him in terms of interships and residency. Ross is on the island of Dominica. The only catch with Ross is MERP (I don't know what it stands for). MERP is like a pre-medschool assessment program/summer school. If you complete MERP with the right grades, you're fully accepted to the school. If he doesn't pass MERP, his acceptance is revoked. With all of his eggs in the Ross basket, Chris is worried that he's going to fail MERP and be screwed. MERP starts April 12th, which is my birthday, so he's moving out in the beginning of April. I'm moving out around the end of April.
I'm moving back home because I don't really have any other choice. My parents are pretty much making me. They think that it makes no sense for me to live in Gainesville and pay rent/utilities/food/cable etc just to work at Borders. They think that by moving home, I can find a job and not have expenses and build up a "nest egg". Their idea makes sense. It just makes me sad to move back home. I have friends in Gainesville and I'm having a lot of fun here now. If I wanted to go out to sing karaoke at 12:30, there is nothing stopping me. I'm not going to be doing any of that in Wellington and it bums me out. Even when I tell parents that I can find a cheaper apartment, they still don't want me in Gainesville, wasting money.
I'm not a brave, independent, self-sufficient person. I know that. I'm extremely dependent on other people. I could NEVER do what Amy, Diane, Ali or Allison did. I never considered leaving Florida for college because I wouldn't know anyone at the school and I would be too far away from home. After graduation, I never dreamt doing anything like Teach for America or Korea. Even when I was considering grad school and law school, I so needed to know where Chris was applying so I could have an idea of where I should apply so we could still be together. The idea of Chris being in one place and me being across the country freaked me out. I couldn't apply to law schools last month because I didn't want to be somewhere alone, without Chris, without knowing anyone.
I've gone from depending on mom and dad for my first 18 years. Then relying on Chris for the last 5 years. Now I'm back to my parents. And they're ok with it. They're carpeting and re-painting my bedroom walls. They're ready for me to move back home. Rather than making me grow up and get a life, they're welcoming me home with pink walls and free room and board.
I feel like I'm all over the place. I'm heartbroken about not being able to see Chris for two years. I'm sad that I'm going to be leaving Gainesville. I'm scared that I'm going to hate being in Wellington and will be miserable. I'm not going to make friends. I'm not going to find a job. Chris and I are going to drift apart.
None of this feels good on the inside.
nicki! my mom ran into your mom and she told me about chris's decision. i hope it works out ok for him. it all sounds so crazy. i have no idea what i would do in that situation!
ReplyDeletein terms of brave/independent/self-sufficient-ness. i think you probably have it in you, but you gotta kinda go the "fake it until you make it" route. new things/places/being alone can be scary, and rough at times, BUT meeting new people, exploring new places, etc is amazing and fun.
going back to wellington will be weird, but i think it is smart to save up money. and maybe you can find a job you can build off of. you could look into applying to summer internships that accept recent grads and try to build on your bachelors or beef up a resume for law school.
i really hope you can find fun while chris is gone. you're young and should be livin it up. :)
miss and love you!!
p.s. you can always come to school up in CT, and then you'd know me. :)
Have you tried looking for FRE jobs in the area?? MJ says they are always looking for people with your degree! :) Don't give up hope Nicki! But seriously, and I mean this with all good intentions - Don't Move back to Wellington. You will be miserable.
ReplyDeleteI'm so late at posting this. I know, I need to do better.
ReplyDeleteI know life didn't go the way you planned, but things always seem to work out in the end. Being in Wellington will probably suck, but it will only serve as motivation for you to prepare for the next stages in your life. Saving money is smart because post graduate school is expensive!!!
I have no doubt that the braveness is in you. Sometimes you just gotta do things and be a little impulsive. It's hard at first but over time one always adjusts.
Love you!!
-Nicole
P.S.- I told you I read your blog
i second ames's post: fake it until you make it. it IS scary moving and not knowing anyone, but no matter where end up, there will always be people to meet and who will accept you for who you are.
ReplyDeleteNick, you are an incredible human being...you haven't had the need to be completely self-sufficient because you've been fortunate enough to have so many people in your life who love you would do anything for you. But that by no means means you aren't brave or can't be self-sufficient. It was terrifying moving to houston without knowing anyone. I am still trying to find and meet new people all the time. sometimes, you just have to throw yourself out there and though u might feel vulnerable (a feeling i get all the time), you're really extending yourself to other people and hopefully they'll be fortunate enough to grab the goods. and i call my mom multiple times a day. Even though i have a real job, i pay my own taxes and insurance, i am able to depend on her to be there in any circumstance (like when I have no idea what to do with my tax forms or which insurance plan to get, or if im having a bad day or if i need boy advice, or if i forgot to pay a bill or whatever). we both are incredibly lucky to have moms like that! And you can find comfort in the fact you can be able to be on your own and still know that someone's got your back.
about wellington: I think it's smart to save money...i understand your hold up about being miserable... so, you should get involved with young professionals groups in west palm while you're there. You can (and have!!) made great friends through your work. There are people in sofla who will be lucky to meet you. Or I know how you love to volunteer...maybe look into volunteer work and a job, or start your own volunteering organization or something.
And nicki, you deserve to do things for YOU. what do you want to do for you?
Life is rough. But I love you. We all do. And worse comes to worse, you could move to houston and live with me. i have a queen bed and awesome couches. i'm just sayin... ;)