Change of Plans

Grad school orientation was this morning. I went, and learned that my grad program (MS in Food and Resource Economics, or FRE) is actually 2 years, and not one. I planned on being done with school in a year, and then going off with Chris to med school. With grad school being two years, I would be in Gainesville all by myself for a year without Chris, which is something I'm not ready for. Once I got home, I had a major panic attack. I was looking at a couple different options...

1. Stay with my graduate program at UF. Once summer comes about, I would have to look for a one-bedroom apartment, and say good-bye to Chris for one year and hope that our relationship could last during this separation. If all goes well with us, I would move to where Chris is and get a job there.

2. Drop out of UF grad school. Apply to graduate programs in the same colleges Chris is applying to for med school. I would work for now, and then go off to whatever school Chris and I were accepted to. Only problem would be if we don't get accepted to the same school.

3. Drop out of UF grad school. Go with Chris wherever he goes, and just start a career minus grad school.

4. Drop out of UF grad school. Study for the LSAT. Apply to law school at the same places Chris is applying to. Hope we get accepted to both places.


I cried for more than an hour about how everything is screwed up and how nothing feels right. I was so stressed out about telling my parents about my change in heart. And it's not all about Chris and being apart. It wasn't until I was meeting with advisors and committee chairs and other students that I started to feel that something wasn't right.

For the whole summer, I had the nagging feeling that I jumped into the grad school thing way too quickly. For some reason, I ignored all the deadlines for grad/law school during my last year at UF. It wasn't until 2 weeks before graduation did I think that maybe I should look into grad/law school. It was the fear of entering the work force and getting a real job that made me want to go on to get a secondary degree. However, because I waited too long, the only deadline that hadn't already passed was the MS in FRE, so I applied to it. But even as I was applying, part of me was saying that I was being too hasty and ignoring so many other options. I had always wanted to go to law school. I've been thinking and talking about if for a while, but for some reason, when I saw the deadline for Fall '09 had passed, I shut that door on it. It never occured to me to just wait a year and apply for the next year. Now, sitting here, 2 days before grad school is supposed to start, I think I'm making a mistake in staying with MS. Why am I going to start grad school and pay thousands of dollars into it, if my heart isn't into it.

I know that I'm probably making a lot of people angry and disappointed by designing my future around Chris and throwing away a lot and taking a huge gamble in trying to prepare myself for law school applications in only a few months, but for the first time in long while things feel right. As much as it terrifies me that I'm about to take such a risk in dropping out of grad school two days before it starts, I know I'm going to be much happier in law school.

You know how when you cry hard for a long time you get a headache, well I've had this heardache since 3:00 and Tylenol has not helped. I'm going to bed with the hopes that tomottow I'll be refreshed. And when I wake up, I'm going to email my MS advisor and tell her that I'm dropping out, and then I'm going to work, and while there, I'm going to buy a LSAT study book, and after work, I'm going to research law schools.

Freaking hell. What the hell am I doing. I'm never this reckless. God, I hope everything works out.